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April Fools: If I had sat down and planned it out fully...

2 April 2009 | 0 Comments

Tags: wellington, transport, snapper, april fools, prank

With the introduction of the Snapper payment system for the Stagecoach buses, I immediately was inspired to conspire after my first "snap-on/snap-off" against the annoyingly tinny speaker voice.

For those snapless or unfamiliar with the snapper system, basically the proximity cards are read when you board the bus and deducts minimum fare for your trip. In some places they call it "alighting" and in other areas, it's "tagging on". It rewards you with "Please, don't forget to tag off" or insults you with "Please try again" or quite commonly on commuting services you may experience a "Multiple cards detected" reaction of jealousy towards your other access cards. Seriously - I thought we were entering a utopia where all cards would ascend to such contactless harmony? Escaping the sardine can on wheels is a matter of "tagging off", presenting your card and it will the deduct the rest of your traveled distance.

I enjoy electronic convenience but waiting for someone to try their card for the nth time is not uncommon - I just want to grab their snapper and swipe it on their behalf. What's the technique? I don't know. I do know that I don't encounter the same difficulty and that may be something to do with how having it inside my wallet keeps it still when I slam it on the reader. Every now and then you'll hear another passenger or the bus driver depart the wisdom of their suggested 'technique' but I don't think there is really anything that requires skill. But I digress...

To freshen the experience and free the system from such mundane repetition, I would like to record some witty phrases (see, my first stumbling block) to inject into the interactions between the passenger and the snapper. Quips such as, "Ohh, that felt good - swipe me again" and for those having trouble with their card for the forth time, "Don't worry, you're getting warmer!" The occasional silence could be broken with, "Hello? Is anybody there?" (My homage to Portal).

What would make this awesome (in increasing order of awesomeness):

1. Recording a voice very similar to the existing tones so it sounds the same
2. Enlisting the guy whom was the original disembodied voice
3. Getting stagecoach to actually implement it themselves

Pretty much all but point 1 is realistic. Focusing on the actual execution, we turn to how to do it discretely. Generally speaking, wires are out. You have some speaker or box with a wire traipsing back to the culprit and you may as well have big foam arrows attached to head. Given that we need a wireless solution, the cheapest is some Pocket FM Radio. The right choice will be a relatively small one having a comparable audio fidelity to that of the small (2-inch?) speaker on the snapper and above all inexpensive. The last factor being important because on discovery on the device, you can be certain it will not be seen again. To go the extra mile it could even be disguised in a new enclosure resembling nothing like a portable 'boombox'.

The transmitter also needs to be discrete and what better than the average cellphone with matching FM transmitter? Queueing up the audio files on the media player should suffice for controlling your snapper humaniser. Range would need to be tested because you will want to be seated nowhere in the neighbouring seats, the likely suspects, but close enough to bask in the confusion of the boarding parties (or disembarking might serve better as it will be out of the driver's earshot). Those savvy enough with an accomplice or multi-tasking tool of geekery could even record it for posterity...and to e-mail me.

If the 'Rick-Roll' was still hip, one could have simplified the mission simply by playing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to the unsuspecting snappees.

As I was waiting for the rest of the world not living in the GMT+13 future (Daylight savings this weekend guys!) to upload their April Fool's Day wares, I kept thinking today was still the 1st. As it caught me out during some system troubleshooting I'm left to ponder - who's the real April Fool for thinking it was yesterday? You win this time, internets.

The end of the post not only marks the return to your usual surfing (I offer only disappointment to those who identify this as their 'usual surfing'), but thankfully, the end of any lame puns on the word snapper that I was thinking of using. The internet is just that little bit cleaner because of it...

Ok, that's a lie - these tubes are a cesspit.

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